Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
