I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
