a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
