I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
