ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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