I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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