your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
