i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
