He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
