WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
