And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
