His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
