My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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