I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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