i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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