i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
