Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
