i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I could make wine with my vomit
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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