Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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