Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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