I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
