I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
