i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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