Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
