I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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