Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
