yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
