Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
