Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
