I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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