I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
