How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
