Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize