I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm jealous of your bromance
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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