How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
