she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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