My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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