Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
