I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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