so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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