just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
