I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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