Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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