I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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