I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
