i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
