I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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