I accidentally burped into my bong.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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