just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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