using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize