I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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