the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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