you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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