Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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