i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
