Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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