I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
