how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
