Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
