i was born a porn star she said
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
