im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
