Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
