moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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