I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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