By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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