Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
