No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
