FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I skipped work to stalk him.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
