And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My ATM looks so different sober.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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