So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
