Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
