My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
