My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
