Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
