im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
