I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
